How full does your cup feel these days? And how much time are you dedicating to yourself and your needs? Tune in to my conversation with Tiffany Hall, LMFT, and let’s check-in. When looking at people-pleasing behaviors, I think we can sometimes get too literal. People-pleasing isn’t necessarily going out of your way to please the people around you — it’s simply putting other’s needs before your own.
Start by just reflecting on your life since the start of the pandemic – have you been neglecting yourself to appease those around you? And if so, how does that make you feel?
Talking to Tiffany was amazing – she is the expert on letting go of people-pleasing impulses. She shared so many insights on how we can begin to focus on how we see ourselves instead of how others may view us. We went everywhere in this conversation, and then some.
Tune in to learn how you can break free.
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I’ve been alive on this Earth for almost 35 years now. It’s taken me 35 years to become the person that I am now. So same thing when trying to unlearn pain and trauma – it takes time. I want to normalize this for folks because a lot of the people that I will see will get really frustrated and say, “I’m still doing this. I’m still not setting boundaries.” And it’s like – that’s okay. This is all new to you. So be compassionate with yourself, because you deserve that.
WE ALSO TALK ABOUT…
- Disconnecting how others view us from how we view ourselves.
- Locating where people-pleasing behaviors began.
- Reparenting is a necessary, ongoing process.
- How to set boundaries that are realistic.
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DISCONNECTING HOW OTHERS VIEW US FROM HOW WE VIEW OURSELVES
If you want to step away from people-pleasing behaviors, then disconnecting our view of self and the way others view us is essential. Because our fear or need that others view us in a certain way is what drives us to people-please. Although the term is misleading, people-pleasing is not necessarily working to literally please others – it’s just putting their needs before your own.
To start practicing that disconnect, before you take on something for someone else, ask yourself if you’re doing it for the kudos or for yourself? Because you want to or because you feel you have to? Tuning into your worldview and experience – checking in on yourself – will be a big step away from people-pleasing behaviors.
LOCATING WHERE PEOPLE-PLEASING BEHAVIORS BEGAN
In Tiffany’s experience working with clients, more often than not, the feeling of needing to please those around you arise during the middle school ages. Because this is typically when we start to build peer-based relationships.
It’s worthwhile to do inner child work and locate where this tendency came from. If you can pinpoint the moment and those first experiences of feeling like you had to put other’s needs before your own, you can start to reparent yourself and let go of those people-pleasing impulses. Therapy, meditation, hypnotherapy, journaling, or simply diving deep with a friend are all really great exercises to help you locate your inner child.
REPARENTING IS A NECESSARY, ONGOING PROCESS
This may or may not be obvious, but reparenting does require us to connect back to our inner child. But beyond that, reparenting is actually the act of unlearning the behaviors that harm us. So first we find and connect to our inner child, and then we practice caring for them the way that we needed to be cared for at that time.
It’s also a very powerful tool in building compassion for our parents and the ways they may have failed us. To be a parent is to be human. Now, trauma does linger within us for a reason. So, when we’re reparenting we’re not actually trying to forgive our parents, but instead forgive ourselves and release the burdens that we’ve been carrying since childhood. Reparenting is something you’ll have the opportunity to do throughout your life. Because the age you are now will eventually become an inner child 10, 15, 20 years from now. Learning how to heal and recalibrate are very powerful skills.
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES THAT ARE REALISTIC
Setting realistic boundaries requires honesty and a truthful perspective on who you are and what your needs are. To set a boundary that will truly serve you requires an authentic view and understanding of the roles you play in your life. You need to be aware of:
- your authentic sense of self – this is who you are above anything else
- who you are to those around you
- what their expectations are with you in that role
- what you’re willing to provide being in that role
- what you need in order to fill your cup and have a healthy relationship
All of this will inform you on what boundaries you need to place, where to place them, and how to navigate the conversation of explaining why you need to put up those boundaries – if explaining is even necessary. Prioritize first who you are as an individual, what your needs are, and then seek to be in relationship with the people in your life. This could also be a big help in reframing the guilt you may feel by partaking in self-care.
- Our fear or need that others view us in a certain way is what drives us to people-please.
- Before you take on something for someone else, ask yourself if you’re doing it for the kudos or for yourself?
- If you can pinpoint the moment and those first experiences of feeling like you had to put other’s needs before your own, you can start to reparent yourself and let go of those people-pleasing impulses.
- Reparenting is the act of unlearning the behaviors that harm us.
- Setting realistic boundaries requires self-awareness and acknowledgment of the roles you play to those around you.
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