Emotional healing is probably one of the most challenging forms of healing. In order to attend to who we are as fully formed adults, it’s imperative that we understand our inner child to aid in our healing journey. That’s why we’re talking to the amazing Dr. Peace Amadi, a mental health expert, professor, author, TEDx speaker, TV host, and trauma-informed coach who has helped leaders heal including everyone from entrepreneurs to content creators, to pastors to parents.
Dr. Peace is a coach and cheerleader to the people in our lives that everyone goes to. She explains neuroplasticity and what affects our ability to change, what it means to heal, and how we can incorporate joy into our healing process.
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Heal Your Inner Child Episode Topics
- How to identify what your inner child needs to heal.
- What “healing” means, and whether or not we can ever be fully healed.
- How healing impacts our ability to adapt to change.
- Why we should be asking “what happened to you?” instead of “what’s wrong with you?”
- The importance of connection and relationships when it comes to healing.
Episode 140 Resources (contains affiliate links):
- Follow Dr. Peace Amadi on Instagram @itspeaceamadi
- Visit Dr. Peace’s Website
- Why Do I Feel Like This?: Understand Your Difficult Emotions and Find Grace to Move Through by Dr. Peace Amadi
- What Happened to You? By Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah
- Episode 138: Daily Rituals for Healing with Ashley Curtis
- Join our Summer Solstice Journaling Challenge starting June 20 to get focused and re-aligned during the middle of the year.
- Open | If you’re looking for a mindful meditation, breath work, and movement app I can’t recommend Op e n enough. They have a beautifully curated collection of guided meditation, breath work, and movement exercises to support you in your practice. Try Op e n for 30 Days free. Visit open-together.com/balanced
- Propel | Stay hydrated this summer with Propel. Check out Propel Immune Support, the newest fitness water that helps support a healthy immune system with 100% of the recommended Daily Value of Vitamin C per bottle and an excellent source of Zinc and electrolytes.
Episode 140 Transcript
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About Wellness stuff and it has evolved and changed and grown and I have evolved and changed and grown and so have you and now we're here evolving and changing and growing together,
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unbalanced black girl we produce episodes in series so we will take a central topic and we will have conversations about it from different angles for
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six ish episodes and our current series is called modalities of healing so we're questioning what it means to heal in various contexts,
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a big inspiration for the series is the book what happened to you by dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah
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I listen to that book earlier this year and it really changed my perspective on healing and help me understand how significant events in our lives can impact
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to our behaviors and reactions and how we view the world and so this episode and next week's episode actually kind of a little two-parter here will be really inspired by the learnings from that book.
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Our inner child can really influence our outer adult and we couldn't have a series about healing without talking about emotional healing understanding our inner child and how healing can Aid in our evolution.
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My guest today is the amazing dr. peace amadi dr. peace is a mental health expert Professor author tedx speaker TV host,
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and trauma-informed Coach who helps people heal and Lead,
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from speakers entrepreneurs and content creators to pastors parents and Educators doctor piece is a coach and cheerleader
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to the people in our lives that everyone goes to she's also the author of why do I feel like this which hit number one on Amazon's new releases and mental health
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she is the founder of the author preneur accelerator which helps people of influence deepen their impact and expand their reach through publish books and transformative,
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programs and honestly
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even that introduction doesn't do her justice doctor piece is incredible and in this conversation she helps us view healing in a whole new way so if you've ever wondered what even is healing why does this thing still bug me I thought I was over it.
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I thought I was healed or when will I be healed we will cover that,
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peace welcome to balance flat girl I'm so happy to have you here I have been waiting for you to ask me to be on this podcast like thank you so so happy thanks for having me
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yes I love it this episode has been a long time coming so I am really really excited to have you and
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in this series where we're talking about healing I'm like this is the perfect time to bring you on and talk about the different elements of healing and ways that we can navigate our healing Journey so thank you for joining me yeah
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let's do it let's talk you and girl he is yes so we're currently in our modalities of healing series we're examining healing from various different angles and.
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I love how supportive and encouraging and affirming your work is and how helpful it is for all of us who are navigating an emotional healing Journey from you know
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various different points and finding wholeness so I'd love to learn from your perspective what do you consider healing to be what
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does it mean to heal and is healing,
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a destination or is it a process that we embark on yeah you I mean you said it right there in the question healing I mean I'll just start right out the gate saying it's definitely a process it's definitely.
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A journey one of my favorite metaphors actually for healing is picture yourself.
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Walking up a mountain right so you're going round and round you can't go straight up can't go straight up a mountain,
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you have to go round and round and round the hill if you can imagine going round and round the hill.
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You're going to get to a place that looks very familiar right because you can't go straight up you're just going round and round and round so when you have I'm not good with numbers and latitudes but you're going to get to the same spot that looks really familiar,
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feels really familiar can you could have sworn that you've already healed through this but guess what you're higher up.
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Right you bounced back a little bit quicker when you're triggered by something let's say we're talking about,
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some you know traumatic thing that you've been through you're going to feel similar things okay you're going to you're going to have memories,
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but as you're walking up that mountain you're bouncing back quicker you're not as pained
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it's not completely taking over your day like it used to you're a little bit stronger and that's what I like and healing to it's a
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process where we may be triggered by the same things you know that originally triggered when we were first hurt our original wound our original trauma whatever the case may be.
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But every year we are a little bit higher up on that hill right every year it gets just a little bit easier to pass through.
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The moment passed through the trigger to think about whatever it is that hurt you.
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So hearing is definitely a journey it's a journey that we take on a lifetime you know we have our original wombs.
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That happened likely very early on in childhood,
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and it's a lifetime of unpacking and unlearning and relearning and developing better coping skills and the and giving to ourselves what was either taken from us what was violated
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for what we never got
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that is a lifetime thing oh my goodness what a beautiful description and a really helpful metaphor thinking about the way is that we go around the mountain,
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when you were describing that I was thinking of a hiking trail that I
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like to go on that has a trail that kind of zig zags down down the canyon is kind of what I was I was picturing yeah the idea that we bounce back differently with experience and as we climb higher is so so helpful
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yeah and he just said something it actually reminds me another part of it even what we are telling ourselves about this journey,
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is a real key piece of it as well as I really really big on.
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Storytelling on the power of narrative on the power of recreating our story this is probably like a whole other podcast but you know even shifting your understanding of what healing is
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shifting your understanding of what it requires what it takes the fact that it's a journey the fact that it's a lifetime being the fact that you're not quite stick seeing anything but you are getting better
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all right bouncing back if you will since you're using that email metaphor
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understanding that that's what healing is can be really powerful as well because a lot of us think I know I myself have been really.
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Hard on myself in the past because.
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I will memory will come up and I'll find myself crying again I'll find myself sad again when I learned
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right that this is not being weak this is not you know me being unhealed this is me walking up the mountain this is me getting up to a spot that feels familiar but I'm higher up.
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Right and may take me one less day than it did last year to get through it and that's all part of it.
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That in and of itself is really empowering so even just telling ourselves a new story about what our healing look like looks like it is supposed to look like can be an incredibly powerful powerful thing for us to do and I.
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Highly suggest looking at the stories we tell ourselves yes that is so helpful because it can be so tempting to.
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Embark on healing and to have something happen that may remind you of a past experience or may bring up you know
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not the best reaction I know I've had that where I'm like Oh I thought I've come so far why does this still upset me and you can almost want to kind of beat yourself up over it like ah I thought I got over that I thought I was past that and and that reminder that we're still always working towards it and
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that we can always move through our reactions to those things is so helpful and a reminder to give ourselves Grace
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yeah I mean that's that's it right there I mean you've been doing this podcast for years I you you know the gems I'm sure because you have these conversations I've listed into a few
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a few times I'm like this girl knows what it is and that that Grace piece that self-compassion piece I mean.
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it's everything and what I realized in my work back when I was at they're pissed but also now is a trauma-informed coach is that.
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The self love and the grace and the self-compassion self-kindness the self tenderness is what let me speak specifically about black women,
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it's something that I've
found we struggled the most with is.
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Is that sort of kindness and it's you know that soft tenderness be it because of conditioning how you were raised what we've had to do to adapt you know to survive the environments that we.
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That we've been in,
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I have found I have seen that that self tenderness that self-care that Grace that self Mercy is something that we've had to learn to do and often times.
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Learn a new,
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because we've been in situations with that hasn't been modeled to us and so a big part of my work whether I'm a therapist to coach a friend a sister is really talking through what that looks like
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right to practice self-love in the true sense of the word which is self kindness itself compassion its
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it's I love I love tenderness I love the idea of tenderness you know even physically touching yourself in a tender way,
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there's research behind that being really powerful and really important part of our healing again giving to ourselves what we need.
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I just love that you brought that up because it's a I would say cultural struggle that I'm really passionate about helping.
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yes yes absolutely I would love to talk about some of the steps that we can take to start reversing that and what that looks like in practice especially
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you know if we may be in a situation where we haven't had that modeled for us or we do still
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sometimes struggle with that kindness to ourselves how can we get started,
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yeah that's a great question so somehow we're really good at this one it comes to other people.
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Hey wait we are nurturers we know how to be the supportive friend you know how to be the encouraging friend we know how to be the writer die friend right,
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it's friendship and enough but you know how to be that
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ride or die girl you know how to be that affectionately know how to be that cheerleader and so part of this work is just
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tired of stepping back objectively what am I doing for these people in my life,
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that I love how am I showing up for them what am I doing for them.
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To them what I am struggling how am I holding them how am I touching them what words am I saying what pardons am I extending them what pardons am I telling,
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them to extend towards themselves.
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Right when we can look objectively at how we are treating our most treasured people.
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We need to then give ourselves permission,
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to do the same thing for ourselves we need to borrow that same love and tenderness and Grace that we give to other people.
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To ourselves and it may not feel extremely natural and it may not even feel like we deserve that.
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And then that becomes a whole conversation right it should become a whole conversation of War why why don't you deserve that same.
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Love and tenderness and Grace and pardon and affection.
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That you are giving other people around you who are also imperfect or whatever the case may be so I like to start with just that awareness of how are we when the people in our lives that we love,
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hurts how are we when the people you know with the people in our lives when they fall short right how are we with them.
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Let's borrow that for ourselves let's try it on for size.
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Let's be our own friend the language that you use there was so good and so helpful because I love
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things that are framed as a practice right like asking ourselves those questions seeing that we have those skills and our other relationships and like as you said borrow some of that for yourself it just reminds me so much of things that
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I practice something that we work at and
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a skill that we strengthen and and seeing compassion towards ourselves is another thing that we can practice we don't have to be perfect at it but we can lead with curiosity and try some of that on is such a helpful way to think of it
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gravity here that yeah as you were speaking I'm also thinking of something that I know that personally has helped me find compassion in myself and that's,
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seeing the little girl version of me so I love talking about the inner child I love.
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Helping people understand that our inner child,
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stays with us throughout our lives so much so and this is you know this is a little bit provocative what I'm about to say but so much so that when we are seeking and cultivating friendship and love,
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we should be seeking.
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People who can log not only our adult self but our child self as well this is how much this child self is so much a part of us and what's really powerful to think about is.
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You know when I say inner child what age comes to mind and it's either theirs.
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Reasons why certain ages will come to mind but for me it's age 11 so age 11 you know is is a time where I remember some specific things,
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that were really hurtful really painful really sad for me and I still carry it around so for some reason thinking about like you know coming back to the present.
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Thinking about how to get myself compassion how to get myself Mercy how to get myself tenderness when I picture myself at age 11 and I picture what 11 year old piece needs because of what was going on in her life.
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It becomes a little easier to do that,
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you know it's when I'm in a situation in my adult life now where I'm meeting that terrorism meeting that Grace.
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And I can't do it you know for you know me being my big age but it becomes a little easier when I see myself at eleven year old know what she needed.
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Where she was hurting the very small things I would have made a huge difference.
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You know some of that compassion becomes a little bit easier so that tendon tenderness becomes a little bit easier and inner child work.
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Is you know a whole whole thing but that piece right there imagining yourself,
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at a time in your life when you were younger and you know you needed.
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Support you remember it viscerally that's a time that you can have you know that's a an image you can hold.
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And practice giving yourself compassion to to that to that you know younger version of you.
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Grow in that area grow in being able to give compassion to 11 year old or you or seven-year-old you four-year-old you and you'll find that it becomes easier to give compassion to adult here.
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Yes inner child work is something that is so fascinating and what you mentioned about different ages is also.
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Really sticks out to me because when I start thinking about inner child work something that I have.
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Recently realized about myself is that my inner child that needs support is actually my teenage self and I think sometimes we forget that like
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teenagers are children our inner child we also have like a teenage component to that and so I would love to hear maybe if you have some insight there if people need some inner child support around kind of
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they're later childhood as well
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oh my God you're making me want to jump into it so many I'm like a game do it we are but interrater generational trauma just you know the all of that so yeah we're talking about you know pre-birth
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birth to Young adulthood I mean 18 is like the hard-and-fast number but.
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Really I mean this is a developmental thing so what's 18 for someone could be 23 for somebody else could be 25 for somebody else I mean all of that is.
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Like environmental and everything but weird.
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Definitely talking about teen years even young adult years as what we're still forming the time in our lives that is a formative time is all part of this right.
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We have an inner child that has needed things at certain.
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Stages of their life so we have psychosocial stages
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about eight of them throughout our lifespan and I'm thinking of a very specific fear is Erik Erikson I mean this is going way way way back but we do have these psychosocial stages basically where our psychology,
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and what's going on in our social environment are.
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There's a conflict there sorry our psychology is demanding something and then we're in a social environment that's going to give us what we want what we need,
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for not so again our psychology is demanding things of us throughout our lifespan and our social environment is going to give us what we need,
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or not what happens when we don't get what we need psychologically from our social environment.
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Is basically the root of the different psychological concerns.
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An unmet emotional needs that we have right now because we needed something at
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3 and 5 and 7 and 12 and 13 and 15 and 18 and 21 that we didn't get,
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right or we had something that was violated so that's what I'd like the basis of inner child work because that we needed things to develop well optimally and we did not get these things and these things were emotional in nature from our social environment so
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this whole time specifically in this formative time well we're needing things from other people,
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like any any time in our life where we needed things from other people is a time where we can actually be sort of emotionally stuck.
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Which is the basis of inner child work is that we get stuck because we did not get something that we needed to develop,
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in an optimal fashion at this whole this whole time this whole formative time which again,
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02 whenever you stop needing things in people so yeah that's what we're talking about here so we talk about inner child work we're talking about work that needs to be done for a certain time of life and sort of age of life is certain season of life.
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Where you your needs were not met.
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And because it's a developmental time okay because you your psyche your brain your personality is literally forming around,
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what you were given and what you are not giving it leaves an imprint on us.
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So you know the different ways you can say we're stuck at leaves an Indians a mark and then that's what
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human becomes for the rest of our lives as I get trying to give to us what we never got at a certain time in our lives and because just like language right think about how language how much easier it is to learn a language when you're young when when you're an adult,
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it's a similar thing where it's easier to change and make you,
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what they call synaptic Connections in the brain when you're younger it's not impossible in adulthood but it's harder because we don't have that same brain
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plasticity we don't have that same malleability that we did as a child which is why we're so impressionable as children less than questionable as well so all this stuff is working together the psychology the socio everything
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and here we are right just try to make it through life it's just trying to find happiness and love and all of that stuff but we've been been imprinted,
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at a certain time in our life marked especially by things that we did not have so I went crazy so.
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So that is the work that is the work cut out for us is understanding.
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Identifying the times in our life where needs were unmet understanding those.
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Embracing those being compassionate towards ourselves for not being able to be.
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Perfect for lack of a better word and in every way you know understanding that you have shortcomings and weaknesses you have vulnerabilities that compassion comes from understanding that that all counts that all comes from somewhere I tell people we need to stop asking
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ourselves why am I like this and start asking ourselves.
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What have I gone through right what have I gone through to be like this what has happened to me.
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What has happened to me not why am I like this what has happened to me it's a subtle ship remember I talked about Meredith is a subtle,
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subtle shift that involves so much more compassion of understanding that we're not just out here trying to be you know broken and messed up for the head for the fun of it something has happened.
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Right something has happened at these different points in our life in our.
00:24:28.831 --> 00:24:36.918
Childhood our preteens our team something was missed and now with less malleability than we have in our childhood.
00:24:37.221 --> 00:24:42.823
We're trying to fix it and that's hard work it's not impossible work but it's hard work.
00:24:43.000 --> 00:24:56.893
That helps so much because I think inner child work is something that we hear people talk a lot about but it is sometimes hard to understand okay what is it and what you explained with being able to identify.
00:24:57.395 --> 00:25:02.304
What were those times in my life where I didn't get what I needed what was missing,
00:25:02.355 --> 00:25:15.240
and how has that impacted me now and being able to ask yourself those questions and understand how to connect our current behavior to what has happened to us I'm like oh that makes now I understand now I understand what it is and
00:25:15.156 --> 00:25:22.037
and the steps that I can start taking to heal from those things yeah oh you summarize that so well
00:25:21.962 --> 00:25:27.582
I need you in my class that's exactly it and so.
00:25:27.768 --> 00:25:41.779
I'm hoping that you know we have these conversations you know from your listeners to you know when people are out there carrying inner child work what they understand is that this is why this is hard work and why this is Lifetime work because at this point as adults.
00:25:42.064 --> 00:25:48.756
Right you have the compassion and the tennis on the understanding where now it becomes about.
00:25:49.257 --> 00:25:55.066
How can I give myself what I need how can I give myself what I never got.
00:25:55.630 --> 00:26:00.882
You know how can I give it to myself how can I cultivate an environment that gives it to me.
00:26:01.563 --> 00:26:09.020
That's the work but that's also where the power is that we can give to ourselves what we still need,
00:26:09.125 --> 00:26:21.713
what will always need because again there's that imprint we can't talk about modalities of healing without talking about meditation.
00:26:22.052 --> 00:26:29.419
Meditation has been a daily essential for me and my healing journey and as someone who is always on the go I can have a hard time sitting still.
00:26:29.668 --> 00:26:39.051
That's why I have to put you on to my favorite meditation app open open is a digital mindfulness platform combining breathwork meditation and movement.
00:26:39.300 --> 00:26:49.161
No I was introduced to meditation years ago recently I've really lost my way I was feeling really restless I was having a hard time connecting to my practice and getting centered
00:26:49.122 --> 00:26:56.660
I just needed something different and what I started using open I was really able to recommit to my daily meditation practice.
00:26:57.062 --> 00:27:01.944
The meditations on the app are beautifully done and they've been really helping me catch my breath,
00:27:01.995 --> 00:27:11.540
they've meditations of all lengths so whether you just have five minutes or you're trying to really tap in and be calm for 30 open has a class for you.
00:27:11.700 --> 00:27:17.482
I've also started doing some of their breathwork classes on the app and it's really changing my mind about breathwork.
00:27:17.686 --> 00:27:31.048
I'll be honest I personally have not been a breathwork girly in the past it just wasn't clicking and it really challenged me in ways that made me not want to do it but on open the breathwork exercises are just so
00:27:31.036 --> 00:27:36.378
inviting and accessible and it's helped me connect with myself and my breath in a whole new way.
00:27:36.744 --> 00:27:48.684
Open has unlimited live and on-demand breathwork meditation yoga Pilates and more and what I love about open is you can invite guests to hop in and take classes with you,
00:27:48.708 --> 00:27:53.149
you know we love healing and community and open is an amazing way to do that.
00:27:53.326 --> 00:28:00.621
So let's take a class together open is getting balanced black girl listeners 30 days free when you visit open
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Dash together.com / balanced so that's 30 days of unlimited meditation breathwork yoga and pilates
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trust me you do not want to miss this deal so hop in and join your trial today again you can join me on open by going to open dash together.com balanced,
00:28:22.448 --> 00:28:24.225
let me know what you think and I'll.
00:28:24.080 --> 00:28:29.520
00:28:29.362 --> 00:28:36.252
So taking myself for an example you know understanding that at 11 I needed.
00:28:36.690 --> 00:28:42.058
Someone to stand out for me yeah you know and someone too literally.
00:28:42.731 --> 00:28:48.846
Be my friend yeah someone to be my friends this is a hard year I go back to this memory.
00:28:49.113 --> 00:28:54.040
I was just talking to my therapist about this planning this my family was planning this huge.
00:28:54.325 --> 00:29:00.090
Birthday party for me you ever want to understand trauma,
00:29:00.150 --> 00:29:13.602
how do you feel about your birthday will tell you a lot about your drama I'll say that that track but definitely tracks you right right it's like this it's some of our birthday responses are Chalmers monkeys but it's like a birthday party.
00:29:13.986 --> 00:29:22.190
Spring cut the long story short you know we put a lot of work into this I'm you know I'm the first daughter of immigrants humble beginning we don't have a lot of money.
00:29:22.367 --> 00:29:32.102
And so I remember my parents spending a lot of money on this birthday party and me already starting to feel guilty because we didn't have no we didn't have this money.
00:29:32.234 --> 00:29:44.642
Anyways nobody came nobody came and I was crushed you know I was I mean that was such a defining moment for me like when I think about the self-talk I have now.
00:29:44.801 --> 00:29:55.103
About you know that I if I can just be real yeah that I still struggle with even though my externals have changed even though I'm grown and I have,
00:29:55.208 --> 00:30:03.538
great family your friends whatever whatever there's two that self-talk of like no one will show up for me you know or I'm not important enough for people to.
00:30:03.967 --> 00:30:09.200
To show up for me I'm not a I somehow I'm gonna.
00:30:09.971 --> 00:30:19.589
You know I'm just I'm just not important just not important enough to people we do without and I'm also trying to say this in a way where I don't get emotional start crying on your podcast stop making cry together okay
00:30:19.505 --> 00:30:31.724
thank you you're so sweet so you know I think about 11 I think about that birthday party among other things that we're going on that year and I think about how I needed to think someone to stand up for me and someone to meet my friend
00:30:31.496 --> 00:30:35.874
someone to basically say you are important you are significant enough to show up for,
00:30:35.898 --> 00:30:44.687
to be around to claim okay that that word like claimed that word belong belong belonging all that stuff is like
00:30:44.684 --> 00:30:51.340
that's steep stuff for me okay the power I have now is.
00:30:52.759 --> 00:31:05.680
Tell myself like to give to myself you know to claim myself to belong to myself to stand up for myself in different ways but also to cultivate Community where I don't have to worry about not belonging,
00:31:05.768 --> 00:31:13.791
right where I don't have to worry about not being stood up for where I feel claimed and people do that in different ways,
00:31:13.834 --> 00:31:27.313
and the thing that you have to realize is that not everyone will do that for you and it's not necessarily everyone's responsibility to do that for you that's why you choose your friends you choose your love you choose your community right because there will be some people who
00:31:27.274 --> 00:31:36.936
we'll be able to create a space and give you what it is you need not everyone is for everyone and you know some of the problems
00:31:36.933 --> 00:31:44.876
the problems we have is that we're putting ourselves in situation or allowing ourselves into situation or allowing people into our lives that trigger.
00:31:45.080 --> 00:31:58.713
Over and over again our deepest blue right and it's like they have their own stuff you doesn't necessarily make them bad people but when you're thinking about you know we use the word compatibility for love and we're thinking about.
00:31:59.214 --> 00:32:08.021
Compatibility it's not just oh I you know I'm a night person I'm a morning person I mean obviously you guys you get me but it's like.
00:32:08.243 --> 00:32:11.496
What do I need in my healing you know what I mean like I.
00:32:11.727 --> 00:32:26.449
I person personality may be compatible but what about our healing Journey yeah like do you have the strength the wherewithal the emotional intelligence to make.
00:32:26.779 --> 00:32:35.415
To help me feel like I belong to help me feel claim and then do I have the same stuff for you you know.
00:32:36.483 --> 00:32:49.684
Yeah so there's a lot of we can be empowered in the type of relationship that type of friendships the type of communities that we cultivate knowing that there ain't no shame in meeting people in our lives
00:32:49.663 --> 00:32:55.211
who can create space when we can continue to heal who can be a part of that healing and I think,
00:32:55.226 --> 00:33:01.341
there's something strange about our culture where everything has to be by ourselves,
00:33:01.375 --> 00:33:15.106
and there's room for that because we need to be able to give ourselves these things too but we don't have to sit in relationships and communities Faith communities love anything where people continue to trigger our deepest wounds look like
00:33:14.977 --> 00:33:21.228
nobody asked for that you know what I mean like we're allowed to be choosy about the people in our lives.
00:33:21.576 --> 00:33:26.260
It's because of our healing because of where we've been wounded.
00:33:27.328 --> 00:33:34.758
Yeah yay we hurt in relationship so we heal in relationship to me
00:33:34.737 --> 00:33:40.339
that's it that's it but first I want to really thank you for,
00:33:40.445 --> 00:33:54.743
sharing your story about what happened when you were 11 and I'm so sorry that that happened and I appreciate you just sharing openly and vulnerably about that and about
00:33:55.217 --> 00:34:05.267
ways that we can be empowered in our healing and I really appreciate the distinction you made between kind of the individualistic
00:34:05.075 --> 00:34:15.061
culture we do have in a lot of ways versus you know being the self-starter for your own healing because there is a big difference like we do have to kick-start our healing
00:34:15.031 --> 00:34:24.630
for ourselves but once we kick started or maybe tip over that first Domino we do kind of we need connection and support.
00:34:25.087 --> 00:34:33.921
Tip over the rest that's exactly right is this there's room and it's important to do the individual work but it's also important to cultivate.
00:34:34.368 --> 00:34:43.607
Community and relationships that honor if you will and what we need you know it's literally.
00:34:44.424 --> 00:34:51.295
Just the opposite of for the compliment the complimenting piece too.
00:34:52.319 --> 00:35:04.916
How things happened in the first place so if you know in childhood you have it on me I met me that remain unmet need comes from a person right it's.
00:35:05.219 --> 00:35:06.716
00:35:07.154 --> 00:35:18.968
Do you think I can think of an instance where it isn't a person or you know or people or family or a system or a teacher or something you know what I mean and so.
00:35:19.388 --> 00:35:27.160
There's a while it's important to give these things to ourselves it's important to recognize oh well.
00:35:27.932 --> 00:35:32.400
I was hurt in to Unity so let me cultivate.
00:35:33.648 --> 00:35:47.163
A different type of community you know I was hurt by somebody who did these types of things to let me cultivate relationships with people who don't do those types of things yeah while I'm also learning to to to to give myself.
00:35:47.827 --> 00:35:52.475
What I need to the best of my ability yeah that's.
00:35:52.652 --> 00:35:59.145
That's I feel like I'm going to be thinking about that for quite some time because I think.
00:35:59.872 --> 00:36:04.772
Hyper Independence is something that's very common.
00:36:05.444 --> 00:36:10.101
Also I'm adding myself right now because I also
00:36:09.963 --> 00:36:22.569
exhibit some of those behaviors and it can kind of be that natural response of people don't support me people don't give me what I need so I'm just going to do these things myself it feels like kind of bad natural knee jerk.
00:36:22.854 --> 00:36:29.258
Reaction and so remembering that it's a Band-Aid but it's not,
00:36:29.282 --> 00:36:43.913
what's going to actually heal that wound but it's also really scary if you had these experiences of being let down putting yourself in a position to be vulnerable like that again even though that's where the true healing happens is really scary.
00:36:45.036 --> 00:36:55.292
All of this is Gary you know and I'm glad that you named that so that people listening can.
00:36:55.515 --> 00:37:04.637
Find Solace if you will that you know if this if this is a hard thing it's a scary thing.
00:37:05.570 --> 00:37:07.500
It's a beautiful day huh.
00:37:08.055 --> 00:37:17.006
Right yeah it's a beautiful thing to truly have what you need to truly find what you're looking for.
00:37:17.345 --> 00:37:26.440
To be whole yeah hard but beautiful and again lifetime lifetime Journey definitely.
00:37:28.049 --> 00:37:32.571
Yeah psychological emotional cognitive spiritual all of it.
00:37:32.847 --> 00:37:44.544
Which is why I love the things you talk about on your cat on your podcast and I'm just here podcast because it's pretty holistic approach you know to do a work and.
00:37:44.919 --> 00:37:56.805
And that's what it requires that's what it requires yeah thank you I appreciate that yeah it's I've learned that a lot of this is so very interconnected.
00:37:57.243 --> 00:38:08.679
And actually I what you just said you know and that integration is kind of the perfect segue about the work being hard but being worth it it's also love to talk about maybe,
00:38:08.775 --> 00:38:17.798
signs when we can kind of tell that the work is working because with emotional healing It's Tricky like,
00:38:17.849 --> 00:38:26.450
physical healing it's a lot easier to tell when something is healing if I break my leg.
00:38:26.969 --> 00:38:37.477
There will be a point where my leg is no longer broken and it's pretty easy to tell when that point is but for those emotional wounds that's a little bit different.
00:38:37.879 --> 00:38:47.920
You know what are some signs where we can look for we can see okay I've made I've made a little bit of progress here I have maybe I have made a lap around this mountain then I've gotten a little bit higher.
00:38:48.358 --> 00:38:57.858
Find such a good question was um I mean there's there's there's some of the obvious things so if we're talking about like let's say like a heartbreak
00:38:57.729 --> 00:39:12.019
you know just you know that happens the first couple days weeks lower if it's me a month you know you're waking up crying going to sleep crying you know um that you feel like you've been hit by a bus I mean it
00:39:11.890 --> 00:39:13.144
third gear Justin.
00:39:13.618 --> 00:39:23.110
Total Physical and emotional disarray I mean you if you think back to like when heartbreak was fresh to now.
00:39:23.521 --> 00:39:35.902
There's an obvious difference there you're not waking up crying and I'm going to save crying whereas you didn't you know where as you felt like you could not go on without this person or you did not feel.
00:39:36.187 --> 00:39:42.537
A just any confidence in yourself without your person I mean I think a lot of us can resonate with.
00:39:42.804 --> 00:39:55.527
Feeling like this is it this is the end is going to be the end of me like I will not find happiness inside of this person to where we're here now you know you've moved on maybe even somebody else you're with somebody else marry somebody else,
00:39:55.560 --> 00:40:03.899
you know so you mean I think that's like an obvious sort of observation that we can point to in all of our lives where.
00:40:04.067 --> 00:40:09.580
The first time something happens I heartbreak happens as an example we are.
00:40:10.630 --> 00:40:19.851
Not well and then we're able to stand on our own two feet again so that's you know very that's specific to like
00:40:19.776 --> 00:40:28.817
incident maybe like an adult and incident in your adult life what you're seeing changes but I think like to talk more.
00:40:29.301 --> 00:40:37.027
Like subtly and like with new ones what I've found and and even have written about is things like.
00:40:37.484 --> 00:40:46.552
Agency things like being able to
make your own decisions and.
00:40:47.071 --> 00:40:55.599
Stand on your own two feet trust yourself more trust your gut more.
00:40:56.082 --> 00:41:02.261
You know see your future experience.
00:41:02.573 --> 00:41:12.127
Freedom from meeting a million different approvals to do what is in your heart to want to do I mean these are.
00:41:12.475 --> 00:41:20.679
Settle but insanely huge strides to make.
00:41:21.316 --> 00:41:26.252
That is a healing thing because the things that keep us.
00:41:26.654 --> 00:41:37.081
Down to people's opinions the things that make it hard to make our own decisions that the thing the things that make it difficult to think about the future and what we want.
00:41:37.403 --> 00:41:42.267
Um to have boundaries to exercise them
00:41:42.255 --> 00:41:49.829
the things that make all of these things hard is a wound yeah is something that has happened.
00:41:50.078 --> 00:41:53.619
To us where we kind of.
00:41:53.733 --> 00:42:05.925
The take-home point for us as let me not do these things so I can keep myself safe like that's how we protected ourselves I'm not going to make any sudden movements I'm not going to make my own decisions I'm not even going to think you know,
00:42:06.012 --> 00:42:12.253
of what I need to do I'm not going to hold my boundaries I'm not going to do any of these things because because.
00:42:12.710 --> 00:42:16.421
You know that's not safe and things could happen to me at all,
00:42:16.455 --> 00:42:29.123
I'll lose my place I won't be long anymore I won't be accepted I won't be able to sound makes on my own two feet so these subtle things that I'm aiming are things that we have difficulty doing because we were wounded at some point,
00:42:29.130 --> 00:42:34.741
and we learned to sort of like shut off these little things about ourselves so that we can stay safe.
00:42:35.377 --> 00:42:40.566
Healing is when you start to
00:42:40.527 --> 00:42:55.158
realize that you can withstand the discomfort right that can happen when you make your own decisions when you exercise boundaries when you stand on your own two feet when you really think about what you want to do in your future like that freedom
00:42:55.146 --> 00:43:03.458
to be your full authentic self to move around the world.
00:43:03.887 --> 00:43:07.842
Here's your full authentic self doing what.
00:43:08.767 --> 00:43:17.421
Is fully authentic to you and important to you that's all healing that's all freedom and.
00:43:18.003 --> 00:43:21.103
Those things deserve to be celebrated.
00:43:22.531 --> 00:43:28.664
Those things deserve to be celebrated I know from me
00:43:29.922 --> 00:43:39.386
To do what I need to do without the approval of a ton of people is huge to me I remember like what a my core wounds is,
00:43:39.410 --> 00:43:49.352
not belong there right and so when you are moving through life hurt because you never belong and then when she do be long afraid that you're going to lose it,
00:43:49.439 --> 00:43:56.716
I mean everything becomes about acceptance and approval and not doing anything that's going to jeopardize
00:43:56.641 --> 00:44:08.833
people's opinions of you because you don't want to be alone again I mean this is my story is I realized that my view I'm seeing my healing my progress my journey up the mountain when I make any decision bigger small.
00:44:16.545 --> 00:44:30.051
Somebody that approving of me that risks somebody not accepting me and sometimes I do it and I'm like Oh my except I'm still accepted and sometimes I do it and I'm not you know somebody disapproves but.
00:44:30.876 --> 00:44:39.764
Regard I am still doing it I the fact that I'm able to risk that what once felt like something I could not.
00:44:41.157 --> 00:44:45.913
Survive is healing for me.
00:44:46.261 --> 00:45:00.020
I'm a different person just by being able to do something that risks a wound that I've that I've experienced before does that make sense it totally makes sense yes and doing those things that risk a wound.
00:45:00.503 --> 00:45:07.357
Can be so so scary like yeah I completely completely.
00:45:07.660 --> 00:45:16.070
I agree and commend that that is a really beautiful thing in such a beautiful sign of growth when you're ready to start taking those small steps.
00:45:16.779 --> 00:45:23.255
I feel like big steps I shouldn't necessarily call them small because they're not always small they're here yeah they're huge step.
00:45:23.819 --> 00:45:32.248
Yeah they're huge steps and it may not ever not feel scary but the.
00:45:32.722 --> 00:45:34.831
What shifts is.
00:45:36.278 --> 00:45:42.825
What shifts is going from I can't to I can't survive this too.
00:45:43.192 --> 00:45:47.083
I can survive yeah right.
00:45:47.972 --> 00:46:00.209
Yeah I don't want it to happen no one's willy-nilly oh I want to be you know wounded again yeah you wouldn't I'm No One's Gonna get there but when you take that small step.
00:46:00.836 --> 00:46:01.847
00:46:03.078 --> 00:46:11.255
Just that's like just that step alone is huge the fact that okay I'm risking some ass here I'm going to do it anyway.
00:46:11.594 --> 00:46:20.734
Nine times out of 10 you're going to be fine but that one time out of ten or nine times out of ten you know what you fear you're going to lose you're not going to be us.
00:46:21.100 --> 00:46:23.696
When that when things.
00:46:24.143 --> 00:46:31.753
Do happen that are hurtful you realize I survive this I can survive this and it just gives you more courage.
00:46:31.948 --> 00:46:36.569
To keep going oh yeah because that's the thing like we underestimate.
00:46:37.115 --> 00:46:43.348
How much we can survive absolutely we underestimate we underestimate our own resilient,
00:46:43.372 --> 00:46:57.769
we also over estimate bad things continuing to happen to us it's a trauma thing so just taking those small steps which are huge steps taking the huge steps that are smaller than that.
00:46:58.577 --> 00:47:02.387
Is a sign that your healing because once upon a time you want to even treem.
00:47:02.691 --> 00:47:11.426
Once you would like nope I'm good where I'm at this is you know what I mean they're the Once Upon a Time you risk.
00:47:11.594 --> 00:47:17.727
With send you into a panic attack yeah the fact that you're even entertaining it is hewn.
00:47:18.067 --> 00:47:30.591
That's so empowering so empowering and I think that that also relates really well to the example that you shared before about heartbreak thinking about the first time you get your heart broken it is like.
00:47:30.868 --> 00:47:40.143
You've never experienced that before so you are just like the world is ending and then once you survive it yeah you don't want to get your heart broken again but,
00:47:40.158 --> 00:47:49.964
if it happens again you're like okay I've done this before and I lived I survived and I will continue after this and it's that that proof.
00:47:50.376 --> 00:47:59.291
That helps you trust yourself again
yeah and I love I love that piece to Les just trust in yourself.
00:47:59.540 --> 00:48:09.220
That's something that we when we get one little me get hurt one of the first things to go out the door I trust for ourselves,
00:48:09.325 --> 00:48:20.446
you know trusting our gut trusting her instincts trusting our decisions testing all of that some of the first things to go it's almost like we blame our not even almost oftentimes were blaming ourselves.
00:48:20.839 --> 00:48:29.475
For being willing that we're blaming ourselves for you know for sure how we were her and so it's like well.
00:48:30.922 --> 00:48:41.646
Even if it's not conscious as a part of this it's like if if I wasn't me or if I thought differently you know I wouldn't be here I wouldn't you know I wouldn't be hurt so it's like well I'm not trustworthy.
00:48:42.130 --> 00:48:44.068
Which is why I think.
00:48:46.082 --> 00:48:54.538
And we believe that being able to trust ourselves again yeah is one of the most.
00:48:55.039 --> 00:48:59.660
Powerful things and went to me one of the most incredible.
00:49:01.269 --> 00:49:09.590
Signs that we are healing I can trust myself and I'm not going to get it right every time but.
00:49:09.857 --> 00:49:17.025
There was actually nothing wrong with me what happened happened you know but.
00:49:17.374 --> 00:49:23.696
It's not because it was me you know it's not because you don't know me like.
00:49:25.350 --> 00:49:31.150
It's it's not because I'm fundamentally flawed you know yeah there's.
00:49:31.750 --> 00:49:35.687
In most situations there's things that we could do.
00:49:36.008 --> 00:49:45.058
Yeah I do better there's lessons to learn yeah I'm not negating that but there's this kind of fundamental trust we can have.
00:49:45.344 --> 00:49:49.740
In who we are how we think how we move.
00:49:50.061 --> 00:49:58.193
Um that's important to have and is unfair when people take that away from us you know.
00:49:58.712 --> 00:50:06.592
Um so I'm really big on trusting yourself and it it owning your mistakes because we all make them who doesn't make mistakes.
00:50:06.859 --> 00:50:16.197
Own your mistakes grow develop don't not trust yourself who can you trust more than yourself.
00:50:17.662 --> 00:50:20.212
You know that's a great question.
00:50:20.560 --> 00:50:28.062
I like that asked myself that a couple times I mean who.
00:50:28.636 --> 00:50:38.361
Who can we trust more than ourselves I mean if you're a spiritual person that I would say the only other person is you know God your creator but outside of that,
00:50:38.385 --> 00:50:49.803
who am I going to trust in my life more than me right what their weakness because we at least when it's with ourselves we know what the intention is right right exactly.
00:50:49.935 --> 00:50:53.863
Oh my goodness peace this.
00:50:54.157 --> 00:51:01.875
Not to be cliche because we're talking about healing and because the series is about healing but I feel like this conversation.
00:51:02.106 --> 00:51:13.424
Has been healing just being a part of it and I know that this is going to be a conversation that I returned to and listen to again to continue.
00:51:13.692 --> 00:51:27.981
Just soaking up your wisdom and all that you've shared with us today so thank you so much oh my goodness you are so sweet you're so sweet and tender I'm happy we got to be in this space together and.
00:51:28.267 --> 00:51:42.619
And chat about these things and I'm even thinking about okay I think I need to go Journal after this because I'm sharing something but I haven't thought about in a while and Lord yes I'm probably gonna go after this to and
00:51:42.391 --> 00:51:52.233
and for everybody listening you know I invite you to do the same once once this episode is up grab your journal and write down what comes up for you.
00:51:52.348 --> 00:52:00.182
We're here yes do it less us well thank you so much for joining me so how can our audience,
00:52:00.288 --> 00:52:06.997
keep in touch with you how can they work with you how can they support you I know after tuning in everybody is going to be like.
00:52:07.282 --> 00:52:16.332
We need more where is she we need more I mean the easiest way to connect with me is definitely Instagram it's be somebody
00:52:16.276 --> 00:52:24.678
and there I usually am sharing like what's next and the link in the bio has all the different options for ways to work with me and,
00:52:24.720 --> 00:52:27.594
there's definitely more stuff coming I mean I
00:52:27.483 --> 00:52:41.503
getting a lot more interested in talking about this types of stuff inner child healing and all of that so I'm like okay got it got it got it so I'm definitely working on some things that can help people with that part you know these parts of their lives like.
00:52:41.608 --> 00:52:49.983
And I'm really excited to begin showing those things in the next few months so stay connect with me on Instagram would be the best way right now.
00:52:50.097 --> 00:53:04.180
Amazing I'm around perfect yes we all have your Instagram and your website Linked In the show notes you're truly one of my favorite follows I love the content that you share on Instagram truly truly
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see what I mean about cultivating feeling
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that means a lot of take that for granted I speak the truth I speak the truth so we will make sure that your information is linked there to make it easy for everyone to find you
00:53:18.175 --> 00:53:27.649
thank you so much for joining me today thank you so much for having me love
00:53:27.466 --> 00:53:40.009
I honestly wanted to ask doctor piece about 100 more questions she has such a gift for teaching and making this information really easy and approachable to understand so please make sure you are following her on
00:53:39.781 --> 00:53:45.302
Instagram if you are not already all of her information is linked in the show notes.
00:53:45.884 --> 00:53:53.881
You can also head to the show notes for all the resources mentioned in today's episode we try to make the notes as helpful as possible so if you don't usually read the show notes.
00:53:54.049 --> 00:54:02.946
The show notes because there's usually a lot of good information there as well as hookup codes from our incredible sponsors such as open if this episode resonate with you.
00:54:02.800 --> 00:54:08.720
00:54:08.561 --> 00:54:21.644
Or Dave on your healing Journey next week on expanding a bit more on the topic of healing and relationship and community that doctor piece introduced us to today and discussing why we do not need to be fully healed to be.
00:54:22.208 --> 00:54:29.107
So get your podcast players ready subscribe continue this healing series with me and I'll talk to you next week.
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